I can’t even being to tell you how excited people were about our second pregnancy. The outpouring of love was amazing, and helped slightly with the healing of my heart. Here is how I was able to make it to 39 weeks 4 days to Monster and 39 weeks and 1 day with Wild One.
I was very anxious throughout both my pregnancies. I didn’t do any kind of planning. I didn’t do much “talk about the future.” I took both of my pregnancies one day at a time. I had to give each pregnancy over to God. Only He was going to be able to make this work. Without Him, nothing could be done.
With Monster, we went to the doctor at 8 weeks, and had an ultrasound. Mr. came with me to this appointment but got a call on his phone from work, so he didn’t make it back to the ultrasound room. I laid there on the bed thinking, ‘I was here 5 months ago- and the outcome wasn’t good, Lord help me.’ The ultrasound tech moved the wand around, and caught a glimpse of our baby. I could see them! I could hear their heart beat! I saw our baby laying and waving their little arms around like, “Hey, Momma!”
I had come full circle. 5 months ago I was looking at an empty ultrasound screen- now I was looking at a screen that proved there was a life growing inside me! I couldn’t believe how gracious God was. I still can’t do this day.
Pregnancy number two was a bit different. We had just celebrated Monster’s second birthday. Everyone we loved had come to celebrate with us. Long story short- some pictures got posted to Facebook and I had someone call me out and ask if I were pregnant. I responded with the typical, “No way! I’m just happy and still packing around baby weight from Monster.” Then, Halloween rolls around, and I have a childhood friend swing by with her kiddos and made the remarks about how I just “glowing.” My response, “I just bought this great bronzer!”
In the back of my mind I knew I wasn’t pregnant. I just knew. Well, these two comments bugged me to no end. So, on November 3rd 2015 (two years to the day of Monster’s originally due date) I took a pregnancy test. BAM! Positive.
So I did what any great mother would do. I texted Mr. and asked him what we had done! Then I called my Mom- thinking she could make it all better…no. She was elated! Fast-forward to my 8-week-check up and the ultrasound tech placed that wand on my chubby little belly. Instantly I knew- I knew I was further along than I had originally thought. The baby that was growing inside me wasn’t 8 weeks along, he was 11.5 weeks along, I was almost three months pregnant. I had no clue.
Both of my pregnancies were normal, different from one another, but normal. We went to the doctor every four weeks for check ups. Everything was great. But, remember those mind games I told you about? Those would still haunt me. Every move I made, every ligament stretch I felt scared me. I was so afraid that I was going to lose each baby during each pregnancy. Once you’ve faced the loss of a pregnancy, you have officially been robbed of ever enjoying being pregnant.
If you haven’t lost a baby yourself- you can’t and never will relate to someone like me. You can’t tell someone like me to quit worrying. You can’t tell someone like me to enjoy being pregnant. You can’t tell someone like me to get over the past and enjoy what’s ahead.
Yes, I was told all those things. Let me repeat- if you haven’t lost a baby yourself- you can’t and never will relate to someone like me. You may know of someone who miscarried. You may be related to someone who has miscarried. BUT- unless you go through it, word to the wise, keep your mouth shut.
I worried about my Monster and my Wild One up until I delivered. I selected to deliver Monster by C-section. Yes, you read that right. I chose to have a C-section. Myself, Mr. and my doctor talked about it for three months. It was a planned birth, and I’m sure you’re asking yourself why I chose to do this?
I chose to have a C-section because I had lost a baby before. People had plenty of opinions about this too. I asked my doctor in August what the safest way of delivery is for a baby. She said safest for baby is C-section, safest for mom is natural. Guess what, I wanted what was safest for my little boy. I didn’t want to run the risk of losing him. If you haven’t lost a baby yourself- you can’t and never will relate to someone like me, remember? I’m sure you have your opinions about that now, but guess what- everything was OK. Monster was born healthy and happy on October 30, 2013. Wild One was also a scheduled C-Section, and was born happy and healthy on June 28, 2016. I had no recovery issues, no problems at all, with either delivery. I am forever grateful for that.
Pregnancy after miscarrying is not easy. You will be sacred the entire time you’re pregnant. You will worry about every doctor’s visit. You will never be OK with being pregnant. You have been robbed of the joy. All you are going to want to do is get your baby here, and hold them in your arms. And you know what…that’s OK.