Gratitude | Day 5 | A girl named Jana

Photo By: Jana Glass, Looking Glass Photography 

They say, “a picture is worth a thousand words.”  Whoever “they” are, is correct.  At least I think they are.

We tend to have professional pictures taken twice a year- to  commemorate the boys birthday.  (The picture above was taken for Monster’s fourth birthday.)  I love professional pictures.  Love them.  You know why- because I have found a photographer who captures my family for who we are.  She’s awesome and I’ll leave her information at the bottom of this piece.

I love pictures simply because they freeze time.  They’re so much fun to go back and look at.  They’re a fabulous talking point.  They’re an investment. I am grateful for pictures, and beautiful professional ones at that.

I am grateful to have found Looking Glass Photography and owner, Jana Glass simply because she sees what I see in my head, and can bring it to life.  Jana has talent!  Waiting on her email with my pictures is like waiting for Christmas.  When my inbox has her name pop up- I am ready to open that present!

I am grateful to have had Jana capture every milestone in our family for the last four years.  She’s not only an amazing artist, but she’s grown to be my friend.  If you’re interested in checking her out, I’ll leave her information below.

Looking Glass Photography

Pregnancy After Miscarrying

I can’t even being to tell you how excited people were about our second pregnancy. The outpouring of love was amazing, and helped slightly with the healing of my heart. Here is how I was able to make it to 39 weeks 4 days to Monster and 39 weeks and 1 day with Wild One.

I was very anxious throughout both my pregnancies. I didn’t do any kind of planning. I didn’t do much “talk about the future.” I took both of my pregnancies one day at a time. I had to give each pregnancy over to God. Only He was going to be able to make this work. Without Him, nothing could be done.

With Monster, we went to the doctor at 8 weeks, and had an ultrasound. Mr. came with me to this appointment but got a call on his phone from work, so he didn’t make it back to the ultrasound room. I laid there on the bed thinking, ‘I was here 5 months ago- and the outcome wasn’t good, Lord help me.’ The ultrasound tech moved the wand around, and caught a glimpse of our baby. I could see them! I could hear their heart beat! I saw our baby laying and waving their little arms around like, “Hey, Momma!”

I had come full circle. 5 months ago I was looking at an empty ultrasound screen- now I was looking at a screen that proved there was a life growing inside me! I couldn’t believe how gracious God was. I still can’t do this day.

Pregnancy number two was a bit different. We had just celebrated Monster’s second birthday. Everyone we loved had come to celebrate with us. Long story short- some pictures got posted to Facebook and I had someone call me out and ask if I were pregnant. I responded with the typical, “No way! I’m just happy and still packing around baby weight from Monster.” Then, Halloween rolls around, and I have a childhood friend swing by with her kiddos and made the remarks about how I just “glowing.” My response, “I just bought this great bronzer!”

In the back of my mind I knew I wasn’t pregnant. I just knew. Well, these two comments bugged me to no end. So, on November 3rd 2015 (two years to the day of Monster’s originally due date) I took a pregnancy test. BAM!   Positive.

So I did what any great mother would do. I texted Mr. and asked him what we had done! Then I called my Mom- thinking she could make it all better…no. She was elated! Fast-forward to my 8-week-check up and the ultrasound tech placed that wand on my chubby little belly. Instantly I knew- I knew I was further along than I had originally thought. The baby that was growing inside me wasn’t 8 weeks along, he was 11.5 weeks along, I was almost three months pregnant. I had no clue.

Both of my pregnancies were normal, different from one another, but normal. We went to the doctor every four weeks for check ups. Everything was great. But, remember those mind games I told you about? Those would still haunt me. Every move I made, every ligament stretch I felt scared me. I was so afraid that I was going to lose each baby during each pregnancy. Once you’ve faced the loss of a pregnancy, you have officially been robbed of ever enjoying being pregnant.

If you haven’t lost a baby yourself- you can’t and never will relate to someone like me. You can’t tell someone like me to quit worrying. You can’t tell someone like me to enjoy being pregnant. You can’t tell someone like me to get over the past and enjoy what’s ahead.

Yes, I was told all those things. Let me repeat- if you haven’t lost a baby yourself- you can’t and never will relate to someone like me. You may know of someone who miscarried. You may be related to someone who has miscarried. BUT- unless you go through it, word to the wise, keep your mouth shut.

I worried about my Monster and my Wild One up until I delivered. I selected to deliver Monster by C-section. Yes, you read that right. I chose to have a C-section. Myself, Mr. and my doctor talked about it for three months. It was a planned birth, and I’m sure you’re asking yourself why I chose to do this?

I chose to have a C-section because I had lost a baby before. People had plenty of opinions about this too. I asked my doctor in August what the safest way of delivery is for a baby. She said safest for baby is C-section, safest for mom is natural. Guess what, I wanted what was safest for my little boy. I didn’t want to run the risk of losing him. If you haven’t lost a baby yourself- you can’t and never will relate to someone like me, remember? I’m sure you have your opinions about that now, but guess what- everything was OK. Monster was born healthy and happy on October 30, 2013. Wild One was also a scheduled C-Section, and was born happy and healthy on June 28, 2016. I had no recovery issues, no problems at all, with either delivery. I am forever grateful for that.

Pregnancy after miscarrying is not easy. You will be sacred the entire time you’re pregnant. You will worry about every doctor’s visit. You will never be OK with being pregnant. You have been robbed of the joy. All you are going to want to do is get your baby here, and hold them in your arms. And you know what…that’s OK.

What’s Your Favorite Pie?

Sweets. I love them. I often say that I don’t have a sweet tooth; all of my teeth are vying for that coveted title. What can I say? Dessert is one of my most favorite things in the whole wide world.  *That can attest to the fact that I am still working on getting rid of the extra 30 pounds of baby weight I am still carrying around.*  (We’ll just save that for another blog.)

Have you ever noticed that on a menu- pie is always an option? I don’t understand. Pie is one dessert I can pass up. I won’t even give it a second glance- but there is one pie out there that lingers long after you eat it. It may not even be that satisfying. I know, you’re thinking- what? No way. There is though…

Humble Pie.

I got served a big piece of it yesterday from Monster. So let me catch you up to speed. Yesterday was a day where I didn’t get a shower until Noon and I didn’t get to brush my teeth until two. I was over-worked. I was over-tired. I was out right mean to my three-year-old.

Wild Thing had gone for his six-month checkup, on Tuesday, and received his shots. He was fine…until it was time for the house to sleep that night. In total Mr. and I got about four hours of sleep Tuesday night into Wednesday. Monster woke up early (and he’s one that once he’s up- he’s up. He takes that after his Daddy.) Wild Thing was up just a little after I got Monster settled and eating breakfast.

I won’t give you all the details, but once I served Monster, Wild Thing cried for two hours straight. TWO HOURS. This is totally and completely out of his character. I knew it was all because of his shots. He didn’t want to be worn. He didn’t want to be naked. All he wanted was for Momma to hold him- which I did. For the millisecond that he wasn’t in my arms, Monster grabbed him and Wild Thing started his crying fit all over again…

That. Was. It.

I yelled. I completely took my fatigue out on him. He got upset that I was upset, and left me alone with crying Wild Thing. I thought, ‘I don’t even care. He can stay in his room all day. I don’t even care.’ I walked Wild Thing to his room to rock him. Thankfully he fell asleep quickly. Monster comes in as soon as Wild Thing drifts off and asks me if I’d like for him to turn the light off.

Cue tears.  Cue Momma-guilt.

I felt like a failure as a mother. I cannot describe what it is like to be needed by both of your boys and you have to pick one over the other; because at that moment one needs you more than the other. I know Monster didn’t see this- or even feel like I was picking his brother over him. He selflessly came in and asked if he could do something so simple to help out his Momma, you know- this one, the one that just ripped him a new one not 7 minutes earlier. Yea, he was ready and willing to help me out even though I acted like a monster towards him.

Cut the pie. Place it on the serving tray. Place in front of Momma.

Wild Thing finally went down for a 4.5-hour nap and I was able to walk up to Monster and apologize.   I told him I was sorry for yelling at him. That I was tired, and just like when he gets tired- and he gets mean…that’s what happened to Momma.

He just looked at me and said, “It’s OK. I love you just the way you are.” (WHAT?! Who is this kid and where did he hear Bruno?) Then hugged me. Talk about seeing grace! I hate that these roles were reversed and I was the one who acted like the three-year-old, and he the parent.

I’m thankful that each day is new, and that my little Monster is so forgiving of me- when I can hold onto things, and continually make myself feel like an inadequate mother. I am thankful that Monster has seen over his little span of life how easy it is to say you’re sorry and ask for someone to forgive you. I’m thankful that he has seen love everyday.

So to all of the Mommas (and Daddies) out there- one thing I hope you take away from this rambling story from my life, is to always admit your wrongs to your kiddos. Never be afraid to tell them you’re sorry when YOU have crossed a line. Always remember to show them love- no matter how much of a jerk you think you are for acting the way you did…they think you hung the moon.

So until next time, I’ll be sitting alone eating my Humble Pie- wishing it were a piece of chocolate cake- watching my Monster and Wild Thing grow with this everyday love.