This Is Just the Beginning

I bet you’re thinking that since God ever so clearly showed me Grace, I repented and everything went back to normal for me, right? Heck no. Friends, I come to you with this testament that I am a sinner. I raged a war between my Heavenly Father and myself. I let the devil get the best of me and turn me into a hateful, jealous, and spiteful woman.

I lost something that was so precious Labor Day weekend. Something that I thought I deserved because I had been a ‘good girl’ all of my life. From that loss, I turned into someone I didn’t even know. I become a gossip. I became envious of every pregnant lady I knew. I was very bitter.

I formed friendships and lost friendships with the way I behaved. I was mean, nasty, and ugly. If someone complained about being pregnant, you best believe I talked about her behind her back. I couldn’t understand why you would complain about being pregnant. You still had a baby growing inside you.

I declined baby shower invites because I didn’t want to see someone who was pregnant. My heart was black. So black that even my Mr. didn’t recognize me, and did not like the person I was turning into. I didn’t care. I didn’t care about anything but my lost baby.

I was in such a dark place. This place I was in, I hope I never visit it again. I felt empty. I felt alone. I felt lost. No one could say anything to me to make me feel better. I felt like Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hide. I would go to work, teach to my best ability and come home and hate myself. It was tough. It was hard keeping up a front for my third graders. I did though. I was not going to let them suffer because of something that happened in my personal life. My co-workers saw through it though. Some cared and some didn’t- and I’ll just leave it at that.

At the end of 2012, Christmas was approaching and I was looking forward to time off. I wasn’t looking forward to spending two weeks alone though. I needed a break. I needed to try and get myself together.

I remember a conversation I had with my Dad over the holidays about how I wanted to find the old me again. I was fed up with the negativity. I was fed up with the bitterness. I was ready to give it all up. He said to me, “Ok- go find her.”

Boy was I ready to go and find K. But, as I embarked on this journey- I found a more interesting Kimberly along the way.

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